The Return//Being happy!

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.

-Oscar Wilde

Where the heck have I been? Sorry for my hiatus, I never anticipated the work load that comes with being a full-time graduate student. My plan from here on out is to try and publish at least two posts a month, possibly three. So here goes.

Today's post is about being happy. What does it take? Plain & simple. For starters, I always assumed that to be happy you had first be having a great deal of luck, fortune, and positive environmental factors on your side. Turns out, I was wrong. Keeping that in mind, I would like to quote a well known actor, comedian Ryan Reynolds in stating that "happiness takes balls-- enormous, sweaty, swinging cojones" if he may. Of course he's not being a sexist in saying that women need to grow a 'pair' but there is a personal responsibility to oneself. By cojones I believe he is using the term courage interchangeably. Going off that, you have to be willing to do the things you want, when you want, and how you want, to a degree, with out fear of judgment. At the same time be willing to be disliked and accepting of the fact that you cannot please everyone. Being disliked is not necessarily a bad thing! Happiness like so many other things is a choice according to Reynolds! If others dislike you for making it, they have actively made a choice to do so, so how come we cannot actively make a choice to be happy.

If you go on Google™ right now and search for the percentage of control of happiness one has over their own life, your return search would be flooded with page upon page. Moving on, the one I found most appealing but flawed was the "90/10" rule, which states 10% of our lives is out of our control however the other 90% is how we deal with/react to the 10%. If you have been following this post alone and believe in the cojones metaphor, like me, you should be shaking your head here! (SMHing if you will). If I had to modify this theory I would definitely want it to be more 50/50. However, we should unequivocally have an essence of control over our lives, if not, that 50/50 is more like chance. So I would say it has to be around 60/30/10 (60=Environment, 30=Personal control, and how you reacted to the environment being 10). Think about it--

Take away- If you want to be happy, grab a pair, be assertive and like Nike© Just do it!

I can be horribly wrong and lead you to start making crazy decisions towards being happy and at the same token disliked because you are actively making these choices but that shows control. Control is one step towards being happy. Who knows it may be what you need!

TRUST ME, sort of-

Fantasy vs Reality

I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.

-Oscar Wilde

Sorry for the delay in responding, I was caught up in something, any who;

I was reading the last two comments/questions along with the quote I put in to the post, titled; "What a man wants in a woman?" and I realized something that might be coincidence or just my imagination running faster than is should, you tell me...

So upon reading your comments and answering to the best of my knowledge, I realized the first obvious point; all readers, I assume were female, and secondly; all seem to have questions surrounding this Mr. Charming yet unstable phantom like young man. He's oh so charming, yet not consistent, he fades in and out? Correct so far? Good, first we must examine why you as a woman feel the need to have this constant charm around. You see, I'm not choosing sides, but in a sense, you have been brain washed! Yes, I said it! Brain washed! You indulge yourself in a fantasy world of movies, books and elaborate tales of never-ending romances that quite simply are fictional. Based on a 'true story' or not, the key word is 'based' and even so its very skewed to get the audience attentive to what they want portrayed and taken in.

So in a nut shell, no man you meet on the street is going to be your Romeo, Johnny Castle, Edward Cullen, Noah Calhoun, Me, Aladdin or so on... If he is, great! Let him sweep you off you feet, but know that even the greatest of janitors work hard at what they do and sweeping is a job, everyone needs a break at some point. So cut him some slack, try to understand that you're comparing a mere mortal with a character created by the mind of fantasy and probably a woman projecting her ideal prince charming. (That all of you relate to, of course.)

To answer your questions, maybe he's tired of being the nice guy to no avail! As mentioned in a previous post, sometimes men need an occasional ego booster, tell him he's doing a good job and maybe give him credit and a break for being a gentleman and trying. Also, I do not attempt to know it all, and every situation, maybe he's just an asshole but you women put up a defensive wall that's nearly impenetrable. That wall, combined with the expectations of meeting the qualifications of your fantasy character make for pretty big shoes to fill. (Included in your wall is also that smug ideal that you as a woman have to keep up this tough facade that causes you to laugh at things that aren't funny, or act overly nonchalant when something is important to you just to name a few...)

Men can be romantic and sweep you off your feet but remember life is not a movie, there are ups and downs and real life issues that people struggle with, give him a chance to romance you in spaced out intervals and I promise things will work out, maybe.

TRUST ME, sort of.

Reply--

You're right! There's no poll up! I want to hear you're questions! (Or your poll ideas)

Secondly, the person you're with has cheated in the past with another and is now being a sketch ball, you have tried communication and aren't getting much. You have very little options and you may not like them at all; one is, you do nothing, this will hurt but trying and trying repetitively will eventually burn you out and have you stressed beyond belief. Waiting it out is a personal choice, but then again so is happiness- so you choose?! Stay or go... yea yea, its not that easy, I know but life is short, point and laugh at it!

Closing; he or she is being sketchy and talking it out is not helping, use your gut instinct and make a decision, it difficult to help hear with out knowing the dealing of the sketchiness... (if you want to say more I'll comment after you reply to this post)

Trust me.

You think they're cheating, now what?

"Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes."

-Oscar Wilde

So you think he or she is cheating? Yes, I said HE or SHE, most if not all of know the bad wrap guys take for being cheaters but ALL of us know that at any given time, women can be, if not are worse!

Moving on, you think they're cheating? What do you do? Think, and find out more before opening your mouth. The second you start accusing he or she of cheating without proof, you open a whole can of worms you're not going to want. For example say they're cheating, whether they are or not, they'll become super defensive and secretive, which will further piss you off. Also, if you say they're cheating with no proof, they'll start questioning you, the relationship and start thinking how faithful are you since you have the 'nerve to accuse them' without reason. Last but not least on this part; if you say they're cheating when they are not, you might actually push them to cheat... Because if you constantly accuse them, deep down they'll develop the idea that 'eff it, they think I'm cheating anyway, I might as well..." Okay, so maybe this isn't everyone but it's human nature; push someone hard enough in one direction, they're bound to go that way!

The next step is; you think he or she is cheating, you have proof; its up to you and you're character style; confront them, leave them, contemplate murder, whatever but no matter how you deal with it, NEVER physically fight for anyone, it doesn't solve anything and NEVER stay with them and cheat as well, that whole 'if they can do it, so can I' mentality rarely ever yields positive results. Also if you're evidence is purely hear say, be careful that has be devastating to GOOD potentially life long love-

Finally yet importantly, you think they are but have no proof, the only mature way of doing things is open honest communication. Like I have mentioned in previous posts talking usually helps a bunch! Have a conversation with the other and let them know how you feel without pointing a finger and accusing and while remaining calm. Tell them; look, I've been feeling like this... I don't feel the same affection you used to give me, I feel like things have been changing, or I feel like I'm not the only one in your life, hypothetically speaking. See how that goes maybe they will be the bigger person and admit their infidelity or maybe they aren't cheating and say; damn I never noticed, lets fix this. Who knows maybe they are just highly distracted by other issues i.e. school, family, personal things, bottom line; remaining calm and maintaining open communication is the best route.

Disclaimer: You might just be with a cheating whore or a dirty dog so communication might do you no good!

And remember if they have been unfaithful, people can change, no on is perfect, so if deep down you love this person, you may want to give it another try, love has a funny way of teaching lessons. As always though, that choice to try is up to you...

TRUST ME, sort of.

Thank you!

"If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants."

-Isaac Newton

Just wanted to say thanks to anyone out there reading, humility is key in giving advice and or ones point of view... All I ask is that you continue reading and giving me more to talk about! How? By voting on the topics you'll see on the right of the page and or by posting questions in the comment section.

I read every comment!

Trust me.

What a man wants in a woman?

“They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever.”

-Oscar Wilde

Overhearing many conversation about men by women usually sound like this; "what the am I doing wrong?, I try so hard!, He's so complicated..." and so on and so forth. So what's the problem, what do men want when it comes to women?

Point one is something I ended the lasts entry with, 'men are not mind readers.' We want open, honest communication. No BS, if something is bothering you, or you want something done more, or more often, etc- say it! Stop being a girl and be a woman! The problem is most girls in love or infatuated or whatever, are scared to speak up at times and say something! They feel like they'll "mess things up" or "he wont care or try." (actual talks with females I think, ha!) Calmly speak and you will be heard, spaz out, be rude, or cry too much and you'll be listened to and then ignored...

Secondly, a man, and I mean a man, not a boy, wants an independent, confident woman, period. Its good to be wanted and and cared for by you women but at the end of the day men want you to have your own existence, and lives... Tell him you're busy one day, and that you have plans with the girls to go out-- Watch how much he'll miss you and how much you'll have to talk about that night. (Even if you rather be with him instead of your friends at the time... Its healthy every once in a while. Get space!) This also includes emotional stability, its okay to be weak and have him hold you while you cry, but he wants a woman when it all said and done, not a little sister, show him you can be tough too!

Nextly, (I doubt nextly is a word ha), but any who on a closing note men want a women that knows how to treat a man! This may vary from male to male but overall its fairly simple, men need ego boosters! Women at time like to downgrade an generalize men as all being the same, good for nothing, just like the next guy type. Aside from filling his tummy and however your agreement is for satisfaction a little verbal praise doesn't hurt, tell him how great of a guy he is and how much you care every so often especially when they do something right as opposed to reminding him of the wrongs he's committed of any.

Like all topics, there a bunch of special circumstances, situations and 'what if this is the case' kind of things but I'm not your marriage counselor... yet-

Open your mouth and ask him, try and actually be his friend...

TRUST ME, sort of...

Why people cheat?

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple." -Oscar Wilde

Oh boy, what a question to tackle...

First off, if you want to know the reason people cheat we can start by looking in the mirror, don't worry I'll explain, eventually-

Overall, and from gathered inquiries we can come to the assumption that people cheat for "many" reasons but to my knowledge; fear and need. (Maybe a bit more but we'll discuss that later) Moving on, you may begin to ask fear? What about fear would have someone cheat... simple; insecurities. If someone has been in a relationship in the past where their partner was unfaithful they may be filled with insecurities. Unconscious insecurities, but insecurities nonetheless, or they just might not have developed the inner confidence necessary to remain in a healthy relationship and that's their fault!

Hooooooooowever! The second reason is indeed need; physical and emotional. The warning here is that if something is missing, or displaced between partners, without communication, someone is bound to cheat! Because whether we like it or not, if we don't do our job, someone will definitely step it to take our place. Sexual activity and contact is important because you are not the only one that can do it, no matter how good you think you are! So try to avoid long periods without it, secondly don't neglect your partner or their needs because someone else won't and you partner will know this, and lastly make sure your partner is satisfied! The variety is important so that sex doesn't become redundant and scarce in quantity leaving your partner looking for it somewhere else. Sex is great but I also mentioned an emotional component to need. It is important to keep open communication with your partner telling them what you need and to hear what they need.. i.e. certain activities with one another, trust, and like Maslow's hierarchy of needs; the need to be desired, accepted and loved... SAY IT MORE, but not to much.

Women remember, men aren't mind readers, and men, know that just because she smiles and looks amazing does not mean she is happy...

Change is the key element to everything! Don't be bored in your relationship, if you are, GET OUT!

We can go on forever but I rather take questions... hope this helps- but mind you some people are just hornballs with no consideration for others, sorry, it happens...

TRUST ME, sort of.